bad naked revisited

Just last week I got called back to that same house twice in 2 days- the one where the girl had just gotten out of jail and I surprised her at her house when I went there to ask her to come to the shelter to reclaim her dog.  The first day her tweaker neighbor “M” was visiting her and I had to cite her for her dog being loose in the neighborhood attacking other people’s dogs.  (“M’s” dog is a Belgian Shepherd that I broke out of cars twice last year when it was owned by a different tweaker, “T.”) I hadn’t expected to run into “S," I was only tracking down “M” and didn’t realize I was at “S’s” house until it was too late to call the cops for a follow. (This is the nekkid girl with the shotgun history.) She was very pleasant though.

So I got to catch up with “S” while “M” finished up a screaming fight on her cell phone with someone about a credit card issue.  “S” definitely remembered answering the door nekkid, she told me she usually gets nekkid and plays her drums when she knows the cops are coming over to get her. 

Anyway, the VERY NEXT DAY “S’s” other neighbor noticed that "S's" dog (a small Jack Russell Terrier) had been tied up on her rear, elevated deck all night long and was tangled around a chair and some huge chunk of wood and couldn’t move, and now it was 90 degrees out and the dog had no water or shelter and was tired out from barking all night long.  This time the cops made me wait for them.  I knocked on all available doors and windows (there was new stucco around the metal security door but nobody had painted it yet) and got no answer.  This was not unusual for her, according to the cops.  She was either passed out in one of her rooms or simply didn’t want to talk to the cops.  

It was hot enough that the dog would be injured or killed if left tied in the sun with no water for more than a couple of hours, so I borrowed the neighbor’s 20’ extension ladder, and climbed up on to the deck from the side yard while all the cops pointed their guns at all the doors and windows in case “S” suddenly materialized with her shotgun.  I used the window- and door-checking techniques I learned from watching NYPD Blue and also COPS and verified "S" wasn’t in her house, grabbed the dog and climbed back down the ladder.  The good news is, “S” is now in detox and her dog is in the care of a local vet until she is ready to get him back.

Thor

I was minding my own business driving around when my phone rang, and I recognized the number, it was 5-0.  And I was just about to take a long walk on the beach, too.

So anyway, they said I had to meet them under the bridge between the beach and the town, and impound a dog so they can take his owner to jail.  So I show up, and I see a cruiser parked under the bridge with its lights on and a pile of stuff on the sidewalk.  I get out of my truck and I don't recognize the cops, (it turns out they are switching shifts or some other shit and they don't normally work that area.)

They are busy fooling with radios and clip boards and whatever they do, so I walk over to the pile of paper and plastic bags and stuff and there is a frigging ginormous pitbull leashed to the crash bar up front.  My boy!

Me:  Hey, Thor!
Thor:  (was sleeping on the curb, slowly gets up, shakes his sleep off, sticks out his tongue and wags his tail.)
Cops: How did you know his name?
Me: Is that Phil in your car?
Cops: (A little incredulously) Yeah! He was passed out on the sidewalk, we don't know who the fuck he is.
Me: Can I talk to him for a quick sec?
Cops: Sure! (They open the door.)
Me: Hey, Phil, it's me, Animal Control again! I'm taking Thor with me, he'll be fine, just come up and get him when you get out!
Phil: igjpjg fopgjp gj pgjfs
Me: I'll give my card to these guys to put in your shit so when you get out you have my number, okay?!
Phil: flih dsfihr5 lhfs
Cops: Holy fuck, how do you know this guy?
Me: My third, my partners have a couple each though.  What's his charge?
Cops: He's got warrants for public intoxication, illegal camping, shoplifting, defrauding an innkeeper, resisting arrest, trespassing, simple assault, possession of less than an ounce, possession of paraphernalia, possession of stolen property, and harboring an unlicensed dog.
Me:  The dog's current.
Cops:  (Pause.) He'll be out tomorrow.
Phil:  fsh5ja pif 9jfl

I let Thor ride shotgun, he's the balls. I think it runs in the family though, I was feeding him treats while we were driving around but he was more interested in licking the bottle of hand sanitizer in the center console.

bad naked

I was minding my own business at work today and one of my bosses called, and said that one of the other officers had impounded a dog a few days ago during a Sheriff’s Assist call when its owner got arrested.

Anyway, apparently the owner had been released from jail and hadn’t yet claimed her dog and all the phone numbers we had for her were bad, and we needed to get her dog back to her.  So, I know her neighborhood, and I call Sheriff’s just to make sure I’m OK knocking on the door without getting shot or stabbed.

Sheriff’s: “Let’s see, yup, she tried to shoot her husband with a double barreled shotgun.”
Me: “Does she still have the shotgun?”
Sheriff’s: “I don’t think so, it looks like it broke during the fight.”
Me: “Fight?”
Sheriff’s: “It looks like she fought the deputies who were arresting her, and they confiscated some property including a shotgun, and there is a note about a gun being disabled.”  Pause. “So do you want a follow?”
Me:  Pause.  “You know what, no, I’m there to deliver good news, I’ll play it by ear, I’ll keep my phone in my hand, I’ll call you if it gets weird.”

And then I get to the house, and there is a brand new heavy metal security exterior screen door bolted to the house, there are still stickers on the thing from Home Depot and China, and all the stucco around the door frame is gone, like maybe when Sheriff’s were there a few days ago they didn’t exactly use a key to remove the old door to get this girl.

So I knock and wait. 

As usual, nothing happens so I knock and wait again, and then the interior door flies open and there she is, butt nekkid and screaming at me that she just got out of jail 4 hours ago and I am fucking with her already?! Now I’m thinking WTF, 5-0 just pretty much told me to wait for them and I declined, and now I am going to get shotgunned by a naked girl.

And you know what? When she realized I was from the animal shelter, and I just wanted to get her dog back to her?  Best friends.  Yup. Not necessarily bad-naked either. Angry, but cute.

that bird had an attitude problem.

I found a red tail hawk loitering on top of a Honda in the alley paralleling the main street through town just behind the old casino and bowling alley, behind that shop where the mean basset hound used to live at-large, now those crackheads are raising 2 white cats and a decrepit 16’ Boston whaler. 

Anyway, this hawk was shitting on top of the car with gray feathers scattered about the alley this morning.  I got out of the truck and said, “hey, what are you doing?”  The hawk shit on the car again, looked toward one of the room doors from that motel where tourists don't stay, and flew onto the power lines above the alley. 

Then, next to the motel room door that opens into the dumpster section, I observed an injured, suffering pigeon in a small metal can trying to hide behind some kind of poorly maintained plant and some scrap lumber. 

The hawk looked down at me from the phone wires, and was all, like, “yeah?” 

I thought about issuing him a Notice Of Violation for 597.1 (Failure to Provide Adequate Veterinary Care) and gave it 30 minutes to comply- either dispatch the pigeon or show me a receipt from a licensed vet that it had sought medical attention for the pigeon. 

I went back about 45 minutes later and couldn't find either the pigeon or the hawk.  There were more feathers on the road though.  I’ll look for that hawk tomorrow, I know where he hangs out.  I’m all about nature taking its course but that bird had an attitude problem.

this is why my wife makes me have my own bathroom.

Today I had a normal day at work, wearing long plastic blend pants with lots of stuff in my pockets and other heavy stuff hanging on my belt, and it was about a hundred degrees F outdoors while I was walking around a lot.  I don't know if the internet will let me say it out loud, but my balls were sweating, a lot.  To the point that when I was getting in and out of my truck I noticed smeared moisture on the vinyl seat.  (spell vinyl, 3 times, fast.)

Fine.  I get off work, I go home, I go into the shower and before I get started I notice that the soap bar I used to have in there is small.  Like, Trident Whitening Gum small.  I’m thinking, hmm. I need more soap, before I get started. So I go into The Bride’s bathroom, where she’s got everything.  (Everything.) I find a medium sized brick that is white and covered in some crispy type of glasine wrapping.  (No, The Bride is not involved in the importing or exporting of narcotics, relax.  It’s some kind of soap.)

So I bring the brick into my bathroom, unwrap it and wash my stuff.  It smells nice.  It smells expensive.  My stuff gets clean.  I’m pleased; I had dog urine on me, cat feces on me, fluids from a couple of different DOAs (one for sure was a rabbit, another could have been a sea gull) and I spent some time talking up close to a woman who I think was on meth and lived near a bush. Wow, this soap is working out well.  I think I burned through the logo on the bar before I realized it was a fucking $15 bar of soap that is from France or some place like that and was to be treated like furniture.  

The Bride isn’t home yet so, so far, so good.  I think I’m going to do some laundry now and chuck the rest of the brick into the machine with a white load.