Punk Rock

 

I had yet another call a number of months ago about a rattlesnake trapped in that horrible black plastic garden netting shit people use to keep birds and rabbits out of their vegetable gardens in areas where birds and rabbits (and snakes) are common and vegetable gardens are not. I used my snake tongs to immobilize the rattlesnake’s head so he couldn’t reach around and bite me and used my seat belt cutting hook to rake across his body and cut off the netting. He had some lacerations and some deformation from being constricted for so long but seemed pretty good so I let him go over the fence by the neighbor’s yard. I had noticed my seat belt cutting tool was dull, not surprising, as I had been cutting snakes free from that shitty netting crap for nigh on seven years. So I went on line and bought a new one.

The new one came with a carbide window breaking tip on the end, which is a nice feature, except in the seven years I have been doing this job I’ve never had a reason to break a window.  I’ve kicked down some doors (that is fucking awesome by the way!) but as far as dogs locked in fuck-tard’s hot cars, I’ve always been able to use my snake hook to unlock the car doors by fitting it into one of the windows that are usually cracked open by an inch or two. (This is a full-on other subject which I will get into later, but cracking a car window open an inch or two does absolutely jack-shit to ventilate a car, I have put people in jail for that – oh, wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.) So I was stoked about my new cutting hook.

This isn’t even the story I want to tell you about but a lead-up. I got a call about a dog locked in a car behind the Holiday Inn Express; I went there, and found a 4-door newish dark gray Mercedes sedan parked in direct sunlight, windows sealed up tight, parked across 2 spaces. I could see a giant Akita lying in the back seat, panting heavily but otherwise completely lethargic, not really alert to my presence at the windows. There was a chewed up Styrofoam cup in the front seat like maybe at one point it had water in it, but nothing now. It was 10 a.m., the exterior air temperature was 77F, since the windows were closed I couldn’t get a read from my laser-thermometer, but based on my training and experience and published research, it was probably 104F inside the car. I called Sheriff’s for a follow, as it’s always smart to have guys and gals with guns and tazers who are on your side when you’re seizing someone’s property and they aren’t around, produced my sweet new snake rescuing tool and broke the fuck out of the Mercedes’ driver side main window. (Some lady got it on video too, it’s awesome.) I unlocked the car, took out the Akita (kind of a big deal, if you have read earlier posts on this blog you know that Akitas and I, well…), soaked him with my water bottles and rushed him to the vet for IV fluids and stabilization. At this time “Rockford” is up for adoption at my shelter. His former owner, a felon on parole who had checked into the hotel that morning at 4 a.m., did his drugs, nodded off and forgot his dog was in the car, never challenged my seizure and now, thanks to me, has a warrant issued for his arrest.

ANYWAYS, this all brings me to today! I get a call from my shelter, there is a golden retriever locked in a blue Subaru in the parking lot of one of the biggest shopping malls in my jurisdiction. That’s it: no license plate, no better location description, no reporting party name or phone #, dick. So I roll into the mall parking lot, stop for a minute to scan about a thousand parked cars. It’s 85F out, any car in the lot, even if the windows are cracked even 2-3”, is still going to be 104F-plus, and it’s only getting hotter. Fuck. And then this dude comes jogging up to my truck.

Dude:  “Hey, I’m the guy who called!”

Me:     “Great, thanks, where’s the car?”

Dude:  (points at next row over, I see the blue Subaru) “Thanks!”

I drive over and park behind the Subaru, turn on my overhead flashing lights, and grab my laser thermometer. And darn it, the station wagon’s windows are all sealed tight. There is a Golden Retriever in the back cargo area, he is lying down, panting pretty heavily, looking slightly stressed.

Me:     “Damn, There is no ventilation at all in this car, I can’t even get a read on the temperature.”

Dude:  “I know, it’s really hot!”

Me:     (I call Sheriff’s) “Hey, it’s (me), I need a follow kinda quick at x-mall.”)

Sheriff’s: “OK, why?”

Me:     “I’m gonna break a car window and pull a dog out.”

Sheriff’s: “You are awesome!”

The guy who called is hovering about, he’s near the passenger side of the car, and he

calls over to me.

Dude:  “You know, if you break this little triangle window here by the rear view mirror, that’s probably the least expensive to fix.”

Me:     “Yeah, I’m just gonna smash open the driver’s side main window.”

Dude:  “Why?”

Me:     “Why not?”

Dude:  “Because it’s my car!”

WTF?

Turns out, the guy accidentally locked his keys (and his dog) in the car, and, well, I don’t

know what else to say. My follow, the cops, showed up right then, they got it on their

body and dash cams that he still wanted me to break his window, so, what would you do?

I drew my bitchin’ snake rescue hook and smashed the fuck out of the tiny little

window by the passenger side rear view mirror. Yes, it was awesome.